accomplished twins. life is a go
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
