Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
