Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
