I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
