Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
