does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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