why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
