i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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