So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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