You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
