Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
