I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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