I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
MIDGETS
????
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
