Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
