hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
