every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
