My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
