Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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