I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
