so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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