I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
