I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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