that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
