I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
