My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
