my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
