just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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