Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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