dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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