I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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