Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
