dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my sisters under your porch take her home
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
