glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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