You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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