we're chasing vodka with high fives
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
