The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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