I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
