I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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