wat bout pragnant strippers??
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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