What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
