fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
