after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
