i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
