I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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