so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
