I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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