New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
