Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
