Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
The air taste purple.
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