I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
