Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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